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    Agniezska

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2012-11-20
    Age : 38
    Location : Montérégie, Qc

    Hi people (First time here)

    Post  Agniezska on Tue Nov 20, 2012 10:25 am

    So... hi

    I don't know how to start as a new poster but I am very enjoying to read your posts (looks like a family to me here). So, here is me : I will try to be "perfect" in english but the text is very long and thank you to read me.

    Here is a little part of my young age and I'm still questionning my interests about BIID, wannabe, pretender, whatever regarding the subject. If I'm wrong with words or something, just tell me (life is made to learn).

    So, I am 34 femelle aged speaking français and english language (the best I can (dyslexic)) living in Quebec state (near Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu). Longtime ago (if I remember my 4 yo maybe) I saw a LAK men at a supermaket and it was my first time I saw this kind of person (no attack) and that image is still clear in my head as yesterday.

    Very later, when I reached my 11 yo, I saw another guy having the same LAK situation (why always guys, I don't know at all) but I said : "hunh.. memories coming back to me". So, all this time, I was trying to live with my friends, school stuffs, etc. but there was a week-end (beying alone), I saw this guy again (with his wife) "The Perfect Couple"-like. I was confused again and I didn't say anything to my parents or friends but after 2 months my mother's questionning my attitudes. Everytime she asked me, I used to say : "school and friends you don't understand" but it was all lies (maybe my fisrt ones). The truth was, everyday I saw this guy through my window, I was "happy" for "him" I guess. I was not smiling "yippi-kawaii" but simply happy. To see him was a.. part-like of me.

    So during these 2 months (always aged of 11 yo), I tried to configure myself with this kind of figure. I tried "to be like" him (just for fun) in my room but I was afraid to be seen (parents and sisters) and I did'nt make it at all...

    Months passing by, still looking at him and there was an extra : my mother's talked to the girlfriend ! I was totally bothered to see him in face. Days passing by and one day (in wintertime), I asked to my mother if I can play outside for awhile. She said : "hunh hunh but don't go so far because..." -- I said : "yeah yeah mom blah blah..." Outside, I was playing arround the house, streets, everywhere (like any girls of 11 yo) until I reached an old road (near a wood). I'm going into the wood and I follow this old road again until I read "cul de sac" (horseshoes) pannel.

    I continued into the wood (far from road) and looked arround. Playing alone in the wood (faraway from home) in the middle of nowhere : nobody, no animals, nothing ; just birds and river flows. There, I was in my cocoon, thinking to that guy. I said : "I want to be like him" ; nothing else. May I say "first wish of me life" ? I don't know ; I just wanted to be like him. I tried to imagine "what I have to do to be like him". Having no idea how it works, I was confused with the idea but I did'nt find other choice to except "to bend" my right knee by bending my leg into the pant and my pant into my snowsuit. So, I removed my gloves, coat, my boots and my snowsuit and "let's go".

    The feeling was... it was very tight with clothes and my heart was beating like a pump by stress "IF someone see me" but I wanted to have the feeling. What's about RAK and not LAK like the 2 other guys ? I don't know, maybe I'm a left-handed and I want to preserve my left-side (something like that) I really don't know why but my feelings was on that leg.

    This moment was the moment of truth (of my life, if may I say)... Without confusions this time, I tried to "walk" and "play" normally but about walk, I've fallen |: hurting my left knee and about play, there was no problems to except to reach some impossible objects. I was trying to move "as normal" but I was limited.

    I remember of one thing (at this time), having no supports (excepted trees) I've fallen in the snow and looking up my right boot close to the rock and without confusions or regrets, I felt a "freedom" of my persona. It's strange to explain but it was like that. Several minutes later, evenning's coming, a pain began close to my right knee (about blood I imagine). I was freaking out and I removed all that stuff to return at home. The same night, to the house, when I took my bath, went to bed, walked or in front of the mirror (room) for school or at school (changing-room), I thing I was really confused about what I was looking at and today, it's still hard to explain this... "suffering".

    Come to think of it, several years later, all the text up here is still present in my life. Sometime I "play" with my RAK and sometime with my DAK but in any cases, this suffering become an obcession but not in a sexual interaction/attraction stuffs way. For exemple, if someone ask me : "What the... Are you insane.." My answer is easy : "I'm not and they are a part of my persona, give or take".

    I'm not totally looking for gadget hitek stuffs in this life (as my youngest age), I'm not looking for luxes of things in this life (I did'nt changed on that), but what I am looking is, where I am living, this story is not like Hollywood-baking human stuffs. Sometime I say, I got everything in the world but nothing I need ; I'm still confuse about my image : what I saw being a youngirl, and what I feel today but there's something more has join to the party : "girls who want to be..." via internet. Reading this, a part of smiles lost in the past years are coming back to me (just a part).

    Now I know I am not the only girl having this confusion (or this "wish") but I'm still questionning my interests about "this happy other world" or whatever it may be called. When I say "wish" about (RAK or DAK), it's because here, "wish", is a penale unbalanced word (it's a luxury object) and what's about me, it's not a luxury object because its an obsession between who I am, what I am, what I need, what my parents could say. And about friends, I'm still alone (no girlfriend) and nobody is arround. People use to say : "It's your life damn it, give the best of it" ; I know all this but I feel like, it's not my "own" life \:

    Sorry for sensitive-hearted person but sometime, I'm thinking to rollover trains, ice dry, injections, chainsaw or whatever you cannot imagine just for to be myself but I will not lie to you, I'm afraid, afraid about these kind of drastic methodas... especially not acting alone | :

    I don't know each of you (and your life) here but I am very happy to all of you because you are in US and you have access to anything (docs, lots of subjects to discuss, full people passionate of, services when you need one), but here, Quebec state, the only "french" state of the continent and there is nothing for this kind of subject and about services = zero.

    The only thing doctors can do with this kind of "inhuman being" action is to make money ($$$$) until they "understand" how it works (up to 10 years)... You have to "pass" exams before anything and nothing is sure for them (not especially for you), for them.

    - did you accept yourself before ($$$$)
    - you have to see a lots of people before ($$$$)
    - about your young age, how was it ($$$$)
    - what's about the contact with your parents ($$$$)
    - what's about society ($$$$)
    - what's about school ($$$$)

    You see ? They are not really reliable about the subjects when you speak seriously about one. If it's not a common thing for them, they reject you like a roadbag and you become nothing for them. And what's about the rest of people outhere, don't ask me, they are laughing of what they don't understand and they don't understand their own life, you can imagine the rest.

    I know I am not stupid but in despit of my english, my long part of my life here, may I join you on this forum ? I don't know how my life will be after this but as I said before, you look like a family here. But one thing you should have to know, I'm not very good about stories or imaginations (to evoid extra-suffering) but if I can help someone or if I can be helped in any ways, my persona is an open-minded one.

    Have a nice day and thank you.
    I hope to come back at your side...

    ampmen

    Posts : 4
    Join date : 2012-11-04

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    Post  ampmen on Tue Nov 20, 2012 9:55 pm

    Welcome, great story I think like that you, but it is good to find people who share the same desires that your. I hope you enjoy the Forum

      Current date/time is Wed Aug 23, 2017 2:32 pm